[Please note - This blog post was pre written in advance. I have used a Blogger tool to schedule when these posts appear. Pre written posts will appear once a day until they run out! I may go into labour any day now and am not necessarily monitoring this blog, able to publish or respond to comments or correct errors. Normal service may or may not be resumed depending on how this whole being a mummy thing goes]
So in my last post I reviewed how at the start of 2011 I spent much of my time trimming back my life and my commitments, refocusing my energies on the key areas so that I could focus my remaining strength on my therapy.
Long time readers of this blog will know that my path through Cognitive Behavioural Therapy wasn't straight forward and that I faced frustrations along the way.
Firstly was getting treatment. My G.P was sympathetic and put me forward for treatment straight away and I was quickly assessed by the mental health service and got the green light for treatment. Unfortunately due to an administrative error I fell off the list and ended up not having treatment for some months.
Once I'd got over this hurdle and begun treatment I faced other problems. A surprise pregnancy and the bitch curse that is morning sickness made some of my early sessions very difficult. Also, as previous posts will attest, I found the pace of therapy slow. At times I wondered if my therapist really understood my needs and I had doubts that the process, with its narrow focus on current problems rather then wider general issues, was really going to be of any help to me at all.
However my last sessions, which happened a few months ago, changed all that. The process my therapist taught me started to work. It was a combination of relaxation exercises and techniques coupled with small tiny steps to work through my anxiety problems. I applied the steps to my life and found myself able to do things that OCD had prevented me from doing before. Simple things I couldn't do before like preparing a cup of tea for someone else was now possible.
The sense of liberation and feeling of confidence that I gained from these little victories were highly significant for me. Before this I'd felt a sense of hopelessness about my condition. I'd freely admitted at the start of my therapy that I had serious doubts that it could work. I doubted the process and I doubted myself. I'd struggled with my condition for so many years and found the demon so strong that I couldn't imagine a life without it.
However winning those tiny victories over OCD proved that I now had a working tool I could use against it. I had been given a way to change myself so that the OCD couldn't hurt me as much any more and I could use it to live my life in the way I wanted to. I saw that I could use the same process against my OCD in whatever guise it took on. In short there was a way out.
As a result of this the me who started 2011 is totally different from the person I am now. The difference is striking and as I lay in bed yesterday trying to breath through this horrible cold even I was surprised at the change in myself. I've come to take the 'new' me for granted and I'd forgotten just how much effort and struggle I'd had to put into changing.
Since my therapy ended I've been using the techniques I was given and applying them whenever areas of anxiety or OCD like thoughts and behaviour have occurred with complete success.
Just as the life of the caterpillar must seem almost alien to the butterfly the life of someone crumpled by OCD seems almost alien to me. I'm now a new person with a new life and that's a really good thing.
Next time - Baby shaped wrecking balls.
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